


Once Upon a Time: The Dwarven Hero

by tklivory



Series: Fractured Thedas Tales [9]
Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Fractured Fairy Tale, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-09
Updated: 2011-12-09
Packaged: 2017-10-27 02:50:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/290843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tklivory/pseuds/tklivory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gather round, children, gather round!  Hear the great Dwarven Hero Oghren relay the tale of how he saved Orzammar from Civil War!  Oh, and there was a Grey Warden somewhere in there too...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once Upon a Time: The Dwarven Hero

**Author's Note:**

> Lesson learned: never, ever ask Oghren who you are named after. Ever. Even if you are his only child and even if you are named after the person he respects more than any other. Not even Felsi can keep him in line when he really gets into a story.

_Once upon a time_ , while I was up to my sodding nuts in gold, ale, and women in Orzammar, a puny Grey Warden came through town, looking for some help with something or other. See, the problem was that the nug humping deshyrs in the Assembly couldn't decide which hand to grab their ass with, and there wasn't no King to help 'em out, so they sent me, the Pride of Orzammar, to the puny Grey Warden to give 'er a helpin' hand.

Of course that's how it happened, woman! Heh, doesn't use the sodding sense the Ancestors gave her. Now where was I?

So, this puny Grey Warden needed someone to show her around the Deep Roads, so I decided to help the poor kid out and go with her. Good thing I did, too. She was completely clueless about the least little thing. She even had a red-headed friend who thought that nugs were cute. _Cute!_ Like you need to be _cute_ to be tasty.

Hmmm, actually, strike that. The red-headed friend looked cute _and_ tasty, heh heh...

Be quiet, woman. I am _talking_ here. Sodding nosy nug humper.

Anyway, we went through the Deep Roads like bad ale through an elf's lower intestine - leaving a path of destruction and pain in our wake that would be talked about for years to come. Of course, I had to keep giving the puny Grey Warden pointers along the way since the poor thing kept trying to rely on her friends for help. _Honey,_ I told her, _there aint nothin' they can do that ol' Oghren can't do better. Not even that pure little ex-Chantry boy._ Pity she didn't believe me. I would have liked a piece of that rump roast, let me tell ya...

Oh, come on, woman, i hadn't even left Orzammar at that point, much less found you again. No need to get yer knickers in a twist.

So finally we reached Boner-mar _(Heh, heh, get it? Boner-mar? I kill me sometimes...)_ and met up with some of the Dead Legion. Man, let me tell you, they just about pissed themselves trying to shake hands with the ol' Oghren. I mean, not only was I one of King Endrin's personal advisors, but even the Dead Legion knew that in the end, it was really up to me to tell the deshyrs who should sit on the Throne of Orzammar next. If I hadn't been so busy with the aforementioned gold, ale and women before the puny Grey Warden came along, I probably could have saved her a lot of trouble and helped her spend her time in Orzammar a lot more pleasantly, if you know what i mean, heh heh...

Silence, woman! I was just getting to the point! Sod it, you'd think I was a kid just like little Ellissa here, the way you keep glaring at me. _I'm_ telling the story, not the sodding Ancestors!

Finally, after slogging through the horrors of stinky spiders, dinky deepstalkers and a gross of Darkspawn, we reached the Anvil of the Void. Unfortunately that was when the crazy carpet-muncher called Branka made an appearance.

Yeah, the Paragon Branka. You know, yer old man was married to her once. Yup, had a dandy of a time, too. Unfortunately, Branka just couldn't keep the ol' bronto greased properly no matter how hard she tried, so she took a bunch of people with her and retreated into the Deep Roads in despair. Never let another man touch her again, neither, cuz once you've had yours truly there ain't no going back, and that's the Ancestors' own truth.

Stop hitting my arm, woman! I'll let you explain the details to 'er later, but I'm tryin' to tell a story here! Sodding thunderhumper!

So the crazy carpet-muncher tried to sweet-talk me into takin' her back again, but I her told I wasn't havin' any of it. _You had yer chance at paradise,_ I told her. _I'm just here because of the puny Grey Warden._ Well, let me tell you, she just about threw herself all over the puny Grey Warden, promisin' her anything she needed if she could just be with us for a while. So we all trooped to where the room that held the Anvil of the Void lay, only to find a sodding army of golems lying in wait.

Well, i was not happy with the crazy carpet muncher, let me tell ya. _What gives?_ I demanded. Heh, turns out that the crazy carpet muncher was trying to pull a fast one to get us to give her the Anvil when in fact the Paragon who _made_ the Anvil had been protecting it from her crazy ass. Well, I was not happy, and neither was the puny Grey Warden, so we helped Caradin – ya know, the Paragon who made the Anvil – deal with her in a suitably heroic fashion. Yup, it was hard to kill her like that, her bein' the ol' ball and chain an' all, but when ya gotta be a hero, ya gotta be a hero.

Would you stop bein' such a surly bronto and just keep still? Ellissa's lovin' the story, aren't ya? See? Hangin' on her daddy's every word, she is!

So I convinced the Paragon Caradin to make a crown for the new King of Orzammar, and since it was _me_ askin', he did. Then me and the puny Grey Warden helped destroy the Anvil of the Void and trooped back to the deshyrs of the Assembly to give 'em a what for fer sending the puny Grey Warden on the quest in the first place when they shoulda just dragged me out of my harem and treasure room to deal with it. In the end, on my advice, the puny Grey Warden chose to put the badass bastard Bhelen on the throne – because we knew that, whatever he did, the noble and warrior castes would get it the worst from him, and we figured they needed to be taken down a peg or two – and sashayed right out of Orzammar, leaving him behind to deal with the mess.

But that's not really why I named you after the puny Grey Warden. See, I gave you her name because… well, now, this is kinda embarrassing to admit, but… well, because she helped me and your mom get together.

Yeah, I love you too. You frigid deepstalker. Saay, how 'bout, after the little tyke is in bed, we go off an' polish the ol' anvil, hey? Heh. I'll even have the soap ready, this time.

 

The End


End file.
